How the Fuck Did Prom Become Such a Big Deal

You guys (whoever the hells you all are, if there are people who read this?) have probably all seen the “promposals” posted on various social networking sites and news networks these past couple of years. The action of asking people to prom with you is not as simple as a bouqet of roses or writing a cute message on some posterboard anymore, oh no, it’s buying people puppies and wearing fake bombs strapped to your chest (yes that actually happened, and it had the terrible pun you’re thinking of attached to it as well). It’s now become right up there with how you ask someone to marry you, ya know, the bond of two people for (at least theoretically) the rest of their lives. Just to reiterate, this is for a silly school dance that you will probably go to twice in your life. Some people think prom is a huge deal, others don’t. But most agree that if you’re gonna ask somebody, you better fucking do it right. Now I personally hate it when people put on a big show for me, or play me songs, or create any sort of attraction drawing thing around or for me. I’m a shy girl, I like it better when I have just the attention of a couple people. Luckily I was asked to prom face to face in a calm manner, had it been the huge promposal my significant other was planning origianlly, this may be a different story.

In the end, I think prom is cool, I’m excited, I spent awhile searching for the perfect dress and finding the cutest shoes. My date will match the belt on my dress, and I’m wearing a corsage, so I don’t have room to make fun of people who put a lot of time and effort into respecting the cheesy traditions of prom. I’m just saying, no matter what, don’t make it matter more than it needs to. Don’t spend $600 on a dress, unless you truly feel that you need to. Just have fun.

Blues Clues Truths

Do you guys remember Blues Clues? Chances are you at least saw one episode. There were talking spice bottles and a little blue dog (who I later found out was a girl? and the pink one was a boy, so good for them for breaking down gender norms). And then there was the host, Steve, who perpetually wore a green striped polo and khakis. He was the whitest of white dudes, and he was super sweet. I thought he was the fuckin bee’s knees, and also super cute. It was your generic kid’s show, but it was pretty chill compared to all the fast paced shows aimed at kids. And then one day Steve (the host) was gone. And replaced by an impostor named Joe (who was his “brother”), and Steve was never to be seen again. They said he went to college on the show, but obviously that wasn’t the case. Rumors flew around that he was a child molester, he left to become a rock star (which was kinda true), or that he was traveling the world. I remember being crushed, and feeling truly betrayed by whomever decided the show could continue without him. Eventually I forgot about it, we all moved on, it was just a kid’s show after all. But recently I started wondering what actually happened to him. Turns out, he was kind of sick of being a kid’s show host, and wanted to pursue a career in music (he partnered with people from the Flaming Lips to release an album called Music for Dustmites), and then the slightly smaller fact that he had started going bald, and didn’t want everyone to see his decent into baldness. Regardless of him not being on a kid’s show, he’s still a man we can all look up to. So yeah, we all learned a lesson or something. Boom. Anyways, I can’t focus right now so this blog post is outie-5000.

Florida Retirement Community Fashions

I think we’re all in agreement that after a certain age, you just don’t care anymore. Your body is saggy, your skin is wrinkly, your bones hurt, you’ve realized death is inevitable. Your clothes don’t fit the way they used to, and eventually, you start wearing all the shit old people have always worn, even if you always told yourself you wouldn’t be “that kind of old lady.” I’m talking about the velour track suits and windbreaker material pants, with matching fanny packs and Reebok trainers. The general uniform of the sporty (or sometimes not so sporty) old person who has accepted their fate. It’s striking how much they all look the same though, after you’ve seen one old lady in a track suit with her gray hair pushed into a bouffant you’ve seen them all. Alternately, after you’ve seen one old dude with a pair of tiiiny running shorts on his scarily skinny legs you’ve seen them all. I’m gonna go ahead and admit that old people kind of scare me, they’re all really nice and wise most of the time, but generally they smell odd and have creepy posture. But i’m just an annoying teenage hoodlum, so i’m sure they feel the same way about me.  Anyways, this post was inspired by the fashion show I got to experience today at Endor, courtesy of Cian, Tucker, Quinn, and of course the esteemed Lake. It consisted of a lot of ball smashing as they pulled their pants up over their navels and tucked their shirts in, and then proceeded to do a mean catwalk down the hallway. Truly a magical experience, and I could hardly breathe I was laughing so hard. These boys are ready for the Palm Bay retirement community scene I tell ya.

So yeah. That’s what a blog post is supposed to be, right?

Shrek Themed Foods

Do you guys remember when the first Shrek movie came out? I faintly do, it was a pretty witty movie about accepting yourself. But the one very odd thing about the Shrek movie was that directly after it got popular, a ridiculous amount of Shrek themed food was made. Which is gross as fuck because green is the last color food should be, besides of course natural foods. Natural foods do not include Twinkies or ketchup though, which for some ungodly reason they decided to make. On top of that, McDonalds also made a Shrek themed parfait called “Ogre Load.” And Snickers made a green creme filled version of their infamous candy bar. I can’t think of literally any reason why they felt the need to create such an abundance of Shrek themed foods, but they existed. And there were a shit ton of them. If you can think of a popular, or even semi-popular food item, it was probably Shrek themed at one point. Cereals, waffles (they had green dipping sauce because god is dead apparently), toothpaste, fruit roll ups, gummies, basically every food that kids eat. But here’s the weird thing, I can’t think of literally ANY other kid’s movie or show that has influenced food the way that Shrek did. We have Spongebob mac n cheese, and toothpaste, and Dora gummies, but when those shows (and their respective movies) came out they didn’t take over the ENTIRE children’s food industry. Is there any good reason that a movie that had little to nothing to do with food, and partially took place in a swamp, would become the main marketing technique for shitty food companies for a year? Not really. So now I end this trainwreck of a blog post, and apologize for anyone who read that whole thing. In hind sight I should learn how to write a legitimate blog post. But it’s difficult to focus with a room of teenagers talking around you. So bye guys.

Have a nice life.